Up my what? A colonic affair

So my beautiful housemate has been RAVING about her series of colonics. Her tummy is flatter, her digestive system has improved, she’s been having regular “movements”, her skin looks amazing and she generally feels great.

Ok, so it’s my turn. I’m not particularly fond of the idea of having a foreign object put in my “sacred place” (just around the corner from my “special place”), but the benefits sound great, so I’m willing to give it a shot.

Beforehand I’m a little bit worried about it being embarrassing and my “not so nice stuff” from my “sacred place” being on display. I have visions of unflattering noises and yucky mucky stuff coming out for all to see. This is made worse by the fact that my colon hydrotherapist turns out to be a man. Oh joy.

Believe it or not, it’s actually not that bad and not really embarrassing at all (especially if you have had a Brazilian wax before and been asked by your therapist to lie on your tummy and “spread em please”).

For those of you interested in the gory details, I’ll give you a quick rundown of the process. The therapist leaves the room and you get undressed from the waist down and cover yourself with a towel. Therapist comes back and puts lubed tube in “sacred place”. This is the least fun part. I might have yelped as Marcus (lovely Marcus with whom I am now intimately acquainted, much to the displeasure of my boyfriend, who likens it to having an affair) asked if I was ok, to which I replied, “um, it’s just that I’ve never had anything up there.” He then said, “that’s too much information.” And I said, “no, too much information would be me telling you that I have all sorts of stuff up there all the time.” Ice-breaker. I feel better already. But still not happy with tube in sacred place.

Then comes the “fill” part, where 18-25 litres of water is pumped into your colon. I didn’t even feel this; it was only noticeable when there was a little “gas” to pass through and then it just felt like a slight cramp.  Then the pressure is released and stuff starts coming out. There is no sound at all (thank goodness) and it’s not like you even feel like you’re going to the toilet. Aside from the tube up the youknowwhatsit and seeing your waste travelling past a glass window in the machine, it’s actually fine.

Each treatment is a series of fills and releases and lasts for about 45 mins. Your therapist stays with you the whole time guiding you through the process, massaging your tummy to move things through and watching what is coming out. All sorts of wonderful things can come out; gas, candida, parasites, poorly chewed food, waste, toxins and adrenal fluid (caused by stress). I’m not telling you which of those came out of me, but suffice to say that most did and I am a pretty healthy person, so imagine what an unhealthy person would pass through!

After four treatments with the lovely Marcus at The Colon Hydrotherapy Centre in Darlinghurst (also in Randwick), I can honestly say that I feel amazing. One of the key benefits that I’ve noticed is reduced edema (fluid retention) due to allergenic substances being removed with the waste and I swear that I feel skinnier and lighter than I have in ages. My tummy is flat and my digestive system is much improved.

I can honestly say that combining a juice cleanse (I know of a good one…) and series of colonics is an amazing way to detox and feel light and full of energy.

The cost is $95 per session. Well worth it in my humble (nothing more humbling than having tube in sacred place) opinion. 

PS. I highly, highly recommend Marcus as he made me feel so comfortable and at ease. He’s my new best friend and I’m going back in 5 weeks for a follow up treatment.

PPS. I almost titled this post “A colonic journey with a happy ending”, but then I thought better of it.